I give up. God, that sounds awful, but I’m at a standstill. . .
Upon receiving the official denial letter into the PhD program, I thought I’d seek other areas to obtain a PhD, maybe consider an EdD. I honestly asked myself, “Why do I want a PhD in the first place?”
Is it my ego? Sure, the extra initials behind my name would be nice, prestigious, but I wanted the extra schooling to look into a career change, and eventually teach at the college level. One of the key reasons for the pursuit, would be to become a professor, even do research and add to the field.
Then, I started comparing degrees from public, private or for-profit institutions and debated which would be more reputable. Regardless, it would cost thousands of dollars!
Then something else hit me: my age. In light of a career change, doctoral pursuits, parenting and academia, I feel tired, and figured I’ll just give up this pursuit. I’m already in my career. I don’t mind it, but I guess I want more.
When I went to college, I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. When I got my masters, it was purposeful, it was also for teaching credentials. But even when I was 18, I wanted to be a professor. I just didn’t realize how serious I was until now.
In my forties, do I even have the time (and energy) to do a dissertation plus three-semester residency, while also raising a twelve-year old son on my own?
It can happen, and I’m a fighter, but I also know that I need to pick and choose my battles.
Admittedly, the older I get, the wiser I see things, and the less fazed I am about people’s opinions. The rejection letter hit me hard, as I expected to enter this next phase in my life and career, but since it didn’t pan out, I’m wondering if that’s it.
I doubt it, but for now, I felt that my age was a major factor in the denial. Or just my paranoia and insecurity talking.
I came across a tweet lately and it was a painful reminder of how the aging process is painful when so much of today’s contributions are established for the youth and by the youth. The article was called, “30 Education Innovators Worth Following On Twitter ”
I eyeballed the list of names, but most importantly, I saw the ages of each name, and it sickened me. With jealousy perhaps? I am not harping on the meaning of life, but as I am well into my forties, I feel tired.
I feel beaten. I know I am not, and I’ll get myself over this little hump.
Then I read an article from Oprah.com’s Career Changers and it was inspiring: : Why It’s Never Too Late”. I felt a little better, and not alone, knowing that there are others who feel similarly about aging and careers.
I won’t beat myself up for it, and keep reminding myself that It is never too late.