Category Archives: Health

still functioning, yet feeling the onset of depression

It started when I was in college, back in the Nineties and I was living in San Francisco. Grunge was just starting and I was trying to transition out of my all-black attire, pre-goth mood. I managed to function still – eat, breathe, groom myself to a certain degree. But I remember never, ever leaving my apartment, except to fetch the mail downstairs.

I know my depression started way before then, back in high school, but today, I still recognize my current behaviors as stemming from back then. If I could choose to never leave the house, I wouldn’t go anywhere…. except that I know that it is affecting my son.

It really does help to have goals, and something to do.

Whenever the holidays come around, I don’t feel well. I don’t know how to socialize. It stems from fear, abandonment and rejection. I try to force myself to go out. And I’ve read all the articles about going for walks, getting sunshine to help with the depression and moods. I’ve been on meds (I stopped). I’ve tried talk-therapy (I stopped).

But I know I can be happy, and I am for the most part. Just not “on” all the time, because that gets to be exhausting. Maybe I’m just normal. This is normal, right? I admire those who are so open about their depression and mental illness. I try to be. And I wake up thanking God for another day.

From the blogs I’ve visited, these women writing about their form of mental illness have family support, and they write about their day-to-day musings and happenings. But I can only dwell on that they’ve got support. . .and I don’t. Or I feel like I don’t, but I do. Somewhere over there.

It’s the feeling that I don’t that hinders me. I don’t know how to get over that feeling. I’ve been advised to surround myself with people. But that only irritates me. Then, I’m afraid that I’ll grow up to be an old lady with no one around her. That my child will go away and never visit.

Yesterday, my niece called me over to be with the family. I went. This morning, I find myself in another mood. And I’m unsure how to get out of it right now.

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In all humility, I’m not a b*tch anymore

Humbling yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We humble ourselves before the Lord, and with all humility, we put the needs of others before ourselves.

So I don’t get how we can eat humble pie?

There’s a time and place where we admit we’re wrong, and I don’t think that’s so bad.

To eat humble pie is to accept that you were wrong to start. With all good intentions, what if our awareness of our perceived truth we thought was right?

I suppose it goes with our judgements. We unknowingly make judgements all he time. I don’t set out to think certain ways of others based on assumptions. I know how bad it feels to be judged.

Someone told me a while ago, “I thought you were a major bitch when I first met you.”

“And now?” I inquired.

“You’re a nice one,” she said.

At the time I laughed it off. Her interpretation of a “nice bitch” was complimentary. I suppose she admired the strength and assertiveness in my personality.

Who ate humble pie here? Me or her?

Over the years, her statement made me realize that I probably give off a certain persona. No, I usually don’t take shit from anyone and I certainly have strong opinions.

Last night I stopped by the grocery store to finally get some milk. The cashier asked the man in front of me about his day. He grunted in reply. She then made an off comment about how people are meaner during the holidays.

I laughed and she looked at me ready to engage in conversation. The man finally replied, “maybe people are just tired.”

True that.

When she started ringing up my groceries, we engaged in small talk. It was sad that her attempt at polite conversation with people was only met with half-ass remarks as filler while she did her job. I smiled and laughed (which might of came across as cynicism) but people get grumpier over the holidays.

It’s extreme – sometimes the merriment and festivities only mask the inner turmoil. (Oh, that wasn’t very nice.)

Today? I don’t like coming across as a “bitch”.

In response to the Humble Pie prompt from the Daily Post.

Have some leftover pumpkin pie and  enjoy the holidays.

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